Fantastic news came from across the Atlantic that Joe Biden would become the next President of the US, bringing to an end the tyrannical and incompetent rule of Trump. A sigh of relief for many communities, inclusively the LGBTQ+ community that has been under attack recently by conservatives hoping to reverse the legality of same-sex marriage.
And despite Biden’s very reprehensible past regarding queer issues, it’s safe to say he has come a long way and there’s no doubt that he would be a defender of the rights of the LGBTQ+ community in the US. In his acceptance speech on Saturday, Mr Biden acknowledged the importance of the trans community and is preparing to roll back Trump’s ban on transgender men and women in the military and even appoint members of the community to federal positions. The road for LGBTQ+ equality has always been walked with three steps forward and two steps back, but Biden’s win will be the only steps forward in the last four years, and progress even in small doses is very needed in the world. But we must keep holding our representatives accountable and expect them to prioritise measures to solve inequality in our communities in every election.
“There’s still a lot to do but these news will be felt across the world, especially in the dark corners where being gay is still considered a crime”
Kamala Harris also made history being the first woman (!), the first black-woman (!), and the first Indian-American (!) to be elected as Vice-President. What a salve of great news for women rights, queer rights, POC right and the rights of so many discriminated communities in the US. Hopefully, these news will be felt across the world, especially in the dark corners where being gay is still considered a crime.
Regarding queer issues, I wanted to thank everyone who participated in the debates on my Instagram and on Reddit concerning the matter of masculinity in porn. I have learnt a lot from the points of view of the viewers of my films and queer people online. I am made aware our community has different opinions on what “masculinity” stands for. For some, it’s the musculature of a man, for others is the way they walk, talk or act. For me, masculinity has always been about behaviour and not just how fit someone looks, it’s the toxic machismo that shames men for crying, or for being in contact with their feminine energy. I work every day to make sure the actors in my films feel free to be themselves, to walk how they want, to talk and act precisely as they consider to be genuine for them and the characters.
Sexy, manly mechanics or cable guys have a place in our fantasies. It’s not only understandable but healthy to explore them. At the same time, I hope my films also show other types of men expressing themselves with no shame, no matter what! Also, all your perspectives on this made me even more aware of how my audience feels about these issues. Even with a difference of opinions on this and other topics, let’s try to be kind to one another, listen and communicate our points of view and try to educate compassionately the others and ourselves, particularly in these very unsettling times.
I am also delighted to announce that early December I will launch the fifth chapter of my series “Bedtime Stories”, titled “Obituary: My Name is Leo”, which stars two gifted and gorgeous actors; Bishop Black and Gany Meat. This is my second film with Bishop, who previously starred in The End. He is one of my favourite people to work with. As one of the most in-demand faces in queer art, it’s a delight to be able to have him in this project. It’s my first time working with Gany Meat who’s an Instagram and OnlyFans sensation who surprised me with his proficiency as a performer, as his activism for LGBTQ+ rights.
In the film, their chemistry and stage presence is delightful, and I can’t wait to share more information about it soon and to release the film with all of you. For now, feast on this picture of their incredible energy and magnetism and the synopsis:
“Manly mechanics and cable guys have a place in our fantasies. It’s not only understandable but healthy to explore them.”
Leo is a young actor who is about to make it—standing in front of an esoteric palm-reading auteur he is given one last shot to land the lead role in his new film. Taken by the hand of the seasoned professional, Leo experiences the depths of his ambitions and unfulfilled potential and the wonderous hights of artistic euphoria.
“Obituary: My Name is Leo” will premiere on December 4th, exclusively at NoelAlejandro.com
Keep a look on my Instagram, Twitter and Facebook for more information and content in the upcoming weeks.
Noel Alejandro
Recently there’s been a fascinating debate developing on my social media channels surrounding the theme of “masculinity” and the mainstream ideal of beauty. It has led me to think and examine what “masculinity” means to me, and what it means to my audience, and to a degree, reevaluate the origins of this project and the reasons why I do it.
When I started directing erotic movies, my motivation was to make queer cinema; creating narrative, fictional stories about topics that I know well, or am concerned with, as a gay person, and to mix those topics with the genre of pornography. As an artist, these stories and characters are not only an extension of my own experiences and imagination but also a vehicle for my words and self-expression.
I aspire to make my films as beautiful and cinematographic as possible, and because they look and feel so different from mainstream porn, I’ve managed to attract a broad audience over the years. And if at the beginning that audience was mostly silently enjoying my stories and the steamy sex scenes, it has evolved tremendously, has come alive, and is very much active. I couldn’t be more grateful for people to be so invested in discussing and expressing their feelings about my art. Nothing can be more rewarding for an artist than an audience who deeply cares about the work. It humbles me very much and fills me with gratitude to read the fan emails I receive daily, as well as all the comments people make on this website and social media.
Film industry has had an enormous impact on these expectations by producing a lot of content featuring hypermuscular males.
With the outpouring of appreciation also comes a development on the audience’s expectations and sometimes even some criticism. This criticism is not univocal: I receive comments from many different, sometimes even opposing points of view. In this case, some raised their voices to show their gratitude for my films featuring actors who don’t conform to the traditional ideals of beauty. Some criticise my attempts to push for more diversity in the characters portrayed.
The adult film industry has had an enormous impact on these expectations by producing a lot of content featuring hypermuscular males. This is, in the end, a capitalist industry, a highly competitive one, and gay porn generates a massive revenue. Consequentially it’s understandable why they keep pushing something that not only caters to these fantasies but is also incredibly profitable. But we mustn’t forget there are parts of the audience who are not only horny for muscles and fabulous abs, who criticise the status quo and hope, and deserve, to see themselves represented.
Adult film producers mustn’t forget there are parts of the audience who are not only horny for muscles and fabulous abs, who criticise the status quo and hope, and deserve, to see themselves represented.
When I look around me, to my friends and other gay people I meet in the world, it is clear that gayness comes in all shapes, sizes, and genders, and can’t be defined by body characteristics or how “masculine” the world perceives them to be–which is why I believe that queerness belongs to gayness. And this idea that you are not “masculine enough” can be very toxic for gay people growing up, especially if they are expected to conform to a view of masculinity that is shown as a man with massive muscles, who act straight and speak with a deep voice.
As gay people, we are continually feeling the microaggressions that make us feel ashamed of anything about us that is more feminine, or not manly enough. And even though we have some rays of gay sunshine in all-accepting programs like Rupaul’s Drag Race, most of the content and examples of gay people in cinema, television and even porn are perpetuating these same ideas of what it means to be a man.
As gay people, we are continually feeling the microaggressions that make us feel ashamed of anything about us that is more feminine, or not manly enough.
There’s nothing wrong with being fit and wanting to look good. And there’s nothing wrong with the fantasy of having sex with someone who has specific characteristics such as big muscles or even a big dick. But in real life, people are so vastly different than if we judge our own self-worth based on those stereotypes, it can be extremely harmful and have terrible consequences for the members of our community. To feel good with ourselves takes daily practice, and it’s fundamental we set up realistic expectations for ourselves. By doing so, we can improve our self-esteem and maybe even prevent us from feeling too frustrated when we see all those perfect models we follow on Instagram.
As a content creator, and especially as a queer adult filmmaker, I believe I have a responsibility to my community to keep expanding the types of characters in my films so that they can be more representative of all those people around me, and in our community. And despite my efforts, I believe I still have a long way to go in my quest to emphasize the message of body positivity and embrace queerness in all its shapes, forms and genders. And for all of us who consume said content, It’s also essential we accept that most actors in porn and movies are not representative of the majority of the gay population and should only occupy a place in our occasional fantasies, not distort our views of beauty and self-worth.
Noel Alejandro
With November approaching, not only do we see a dwindle in our daily sun exposure, but, exceptionally, it’s also the start of a new lockdown in Germany and other countries around the world. And while it’s an enormous strain emotionally, it is a way of helping out the healthcare system and forces the reduction of the number of transmissions.
If the last months have taught us anything, are the value of social connection and the challenge of staying home, isolated, sometimes even from family members and loved ones. Being home, alone or with a partner or roommate, is challenging. Creativity and (some) productivity go down (Hi ?, you workaholics and progress maniacs like me!), the calories go up, and we stop putting in our daily walks and workouts. And you know what? That’s a very normal reaction during these strange times. Everyone is feeling somewhat sad or depressed and thinking the same nasty thoughts (and not the good kind of nasty thoughts).
So, it is essential to find ways to snap us from the dreaded blues of sunlight deprivation and lockdown.
Being active is essential, even at home. Thanks to apps such as Centr, Nike and Youtube, home workout has never been this easy. Get up in the morning and do a quick stretch routine or try a yoga lesson over zoom, or challenge yourself to do some pushups every morning. I know, I know, it’s easy to be lazy during a lockdown, but set small attainable objectives, like doing a 2-minute stretch, and you will see the results! Having goals, or a checklist for most days at home is an easy and effortless way of keeping you going, even inside the house.
Meditation, sex and masturbation can help calm the mind and release some endorphins which can de-stress and help you sleep better
When it comes to working from home, try to separate your work area from the rest of the house, that way you will have a feeling of transitioning in and out of your office space, and disconnect mentality from your tasks. When you’re not working, you can use the time you used to commute to pick up a new hobby; like reading the IKEA catalogue that has been in your kitchen table for months, or finally clean your oven.
The lockdown is also an opportunity for you to reconnect with yourself. Meditation, and sex (if you’re with a partner) or masturbation can help calm the mind and release some endorphins which can de-stress and help you sleep better. Masturbation can be a great ally during a lockdown. It not only enables you to relax, but it also has the benefit of helping us reconnect with ourselves and our natural needs. Watch a new kind of porn or download one of our films for a more romantic and intimate experience. You can play by yourself or even buy a new toy, like a fleshlight or a dildo to experiment with (and if possible buy them from a local store to help out your region’s economy).
A remarkable advantage of living in an online world if the ability to find like-minded people to connect with via apps or social media! Therefore it’s extremely easy to search for a sexting partner for some rowdy chat or some nude swapping.
You can also find an increasing amount of online sex parties to join and connect with other people, and even find a partner for a hot one-on-one (or more) camera action. The possibilities are endless, and as believers that sex can be a powerful tool to improve ourselves and the world, we will be sharing on our Twitter, Instagram and blog, some tips and suggestions to survive your lockdown safely. But don’t forget, it is also essential to take some mental time away from technological distractions. Social Media also has the downside of being designed to addict our minds and prompts us to always be online. Reducing your screen time can’t reduce your feelings of depression regarding the world and also reduce the sense that you’re not productive enough since you stop comparing yourself to other people online. Set a time limit, or even more accessible, choose one hour a day to turn off your phone and focus on yourself.
Social Media also has the downside of being designed to addict our minds and prompts us to always be online
In the end, it’s necessary to understand this lockdown is an imperfect, but needed solution designed to protect the weakest among us, and that staying home is an incredibly helpful thing to do. Be kind to yourself and others because chances are they are feeling the same as you. If you are feeling a little down, reach out to a friend for a quick chat or call a family member, or connect online with other people.
We will get through this together!
Noel Alejandro
BERLIN, 21st of October 2020 – I sat down with Sultan of Filth for a friendly little chat about his journey through the adult arts and his experience while shooting my new film “After Cherries”. Sultan is a performer and composer currently living in Berlin. Besides starring the latest Bedtime Stories he is also the composer of its enchanting soundtrack. Although it was our first time working together, I was delighted with our collaboration, and can’t wait for you all to watch him in this film.
Who’s Sultan of Filth?
Sultan of Filth is one of the nicknames of John Waters, one of my long time heroes. When I was living in Amsterdam, my bestie used to call me ‘Pope of Trash’, his most famous alias. And the first queer party I ever organised in a cinema was called Polyester, which was inspired by his film.
I’ve also met him in person in Zurich, during one of his one-man-show at the Contemporary Art Museum. Such a sharp, naughty and elegant gentleman. My last tattoo is also a reference from him, so when they asked me what my artist name was when they handed me my first disclaimer for a porn role, the answer was already there.
How did you get involved with erotica?
A random Wednesday on my first winter in Berlin I was on a tinder date, and (I don’t know how) I ended up at a TrashEra night at Wilde Renate. It was my first time at this kind of event, and there I met Jorge The Obscene in the toilets. We hooked up immediately! Afterwards, he asked me if I wanted to join for his first porn film shooting next Monday. I said, yes. So Berlin!
Growing up, how did you first become aware of gay porn?
I have been obsessed with male genitals, 70’s amateur porn and naked men bodies in general since I was super young. I remember being busted by my aunt surfing on gay porn websites on her pc when I was 11. Still, I watch porn on a daily basis. It’s my form of meditation and stress release.
“I watch porn on a daily basis. It’s my form of meditation and stress release.”
How was your experience working with Noel?
It was very pleasant and professional. Shay and I learned the part pretty fast, so Noel himself and all his crew were pleasantly surprised by our performance, I think. And I don’t mean just the sexual one (laughs).
Plus the entire crew was super kind and professional. We shot everything in no time. On top of that, I, of course, felt super flattered when Noel also asked me to use 5 of my songs (from my music solo project R Talin) in the movie!
Was there a specific film from Noel that enticed you to work with him?
The previous ‘Bedtime Stories’ are some of my favourites. I love seeing the chemistry between two lovers, friends or fuck buddies: that intimacy that you can only build if you know someone well enough, and that you can rarely find on a Grindr hookup or one-night stand. So the answer is perfect synchronicity, I’d say.
What did you feel after reading the script?
I laughed a bit actually. I feel Noel captured exactly my personality in this role: the sarcasm, dark humour and cynicism I also carry in conversations with friends most of the time. At the moment I am also surrounded by people that strongly believe in these theses, so, it’s indeed a big part of my real life. Weirdly enough.
How comfortable did you feel acting with your scene partner in this film? Were there any specific challenges while shooting?
I can say that I feel pretty confident with my body for some years now, even if I don’t work out nor have abs, just from self-esteem work I’ve been doing naturally through years of sexual encounters, blind dates and social relations in general.
“It was a bit challenging at the beginning. The bright lights, the heat of the room, all the people with their camera… But I guess we nailed it.”
Yet, this was actually the first anal sex scene with full penetration and cumshot that I ever worked in, so it was a bit challenging at the beginning. The bright lights all pointed to you and the heat of the room, all the people staring at you with their camera while you’re fucking and having real sex… all my previous movies were more queer and soft-core, arthouse films or solo performances. But I guess we nailed it. (laughs)
Considering the amount of disinformation online, how are you navigating this time, and what are you doing to keep yourself informed and aware of what’s happening in the world?
I used to work for Microsoft News this year before my office closed down, fired and sacked everybody out of the blue. I was happy about it eventually because I don’t think it’s healthy to be exposed to bad news and current forecasts all the time. But of course, some blogs, articles online and friends still help me stay updated without fake news. As a musician and performer, I try to stay as positive as much as I can.
Your character, Clement, seems to feel somewhat tired regarding the opinions Daniel expresses, how do you deal with the disinformation online and the growing of conspiracy theories?
I find them super funny, to be honest. But I am surrounded by people that believe in them, also among the people that I love the most. So I just let them be and never actually start a conversation or a fight about it. Rather pointless, I’d say.
The escapism of psychedelics has grown a lot, but it was always a big staple of the gay community. Why do you think that is?
Because psychedelics are the best! (laughs)
“I don’t think it’s healthy to be exposed to bad news and current forecasts all the time. (…)As a musician and performer, I try to stay as positive as much as I can.”
What is your relationship with mainstream porn?
Actually mainstream, cheap and camp porn is my favourite when I just want to have a good wank. But I don’t think I would be suited nor excited to perform in one of them.
Can porn and erotica change the world for the better? How?
In my opinion, porn saved more lives than hospitals (laughs). From preserving the income of performers, crews and directors during isolation, to the escape of having a little moment for yourself, whether alone or with company. (smile)
“After Cherries” is out now.
To find out more about the Sultan of Filth endeavours in gay erotica and listen to his music projects visit www.rtalin.com/
Read more about After Cherries here
I am so excited to share with you “After Cherries”, the latest film from my anthology “Bedtime Stories”. “After Cherries” follows the relationship between two similarly strong-opinionated people. Daniel is an anxious conspiracy believer who’s clamouring for the world to hear him, and Clement has grown tired of these constant disinformation campaigns. Together, they try to put their differences and their weariness of the world aside and embark in a hallucinogenic fueled sex trip to reconnect emotionally and physically.
As a very sceptical person myself, I am always looking for evidence and facts to support whatever I hear on the news or from friends. But the reality is we are all a bit stubborn while defending our own ideas, and, I believe, we are not allowing ourselves to have doubts or to reflect on other people’s points of view. We are more and more divided and separated than ever. At the same time, we are all looking for deeper connections and be able to show our emotions and vulnerabilities. In the end, intimacy is a beautiful thing and can be a powerful tool to connect with another person and to learn and discover more about ourselves.
One aspect of using hallucinogenics in a sexual environment is the possibility of escaping ourselves and the world for a brief moment to go to a place where only pleasure and good feelings habit. Which in this story helps both Clement and Daniel put their ideological opinions aside to better reconnect as friends and lovers.
“I believe, we are not allowing ourselves to have doubts or to reflect on other people’s points of view.”
It was my first time working with Shay Noir and Sultan of Filth, and they turned out to be an absolute treat. They were both extremely committed to the project and the story and were able to nail the script in an impressively short amount of time. Which is usually not the case, but especially in this film where there’s an actual discussion with the associated overlapping of voices and seeing who can scream the loudest. I find it is usually hard for actors, in general, to engage in that sort of dialogue. Nevertheless, we had some very positive rehearsals, and they were able to act the entire scene without cuts, which impressed me very much.
“After Cherries” is the fourth film in my (almost) monthly “Bedtime Stories” anthology. With “Bedtime Stories” I wanted to ask the question of what propels people to sleep together? Maybe it’s horniness, or maybe it’s sadness, or heartbreak, or the fulfilment of a fantasy, or just for fun. Perhaps it’s all of those things at the same time… or sometimes none of them. It’s a compelling project and an excellent chance to dive deeper into the intimate connection we make with a sex partner in whatever situation we find ourselves.
“When it comes to sex, love and passion, there are no wrong or right answers because they are subjective experiences limited only by our own boundaries.”
I hope you enjoy “After Cherries” and I would love to hear your thoughts on it. So follow me on Twitter and Instagram and comment and let’s chat about it. You can also subscribe to my newsletter to be up to date with news and announcements about next month’s “Bedtime Stories” film and the talented performers who star in it.
Thanks and enjoy,
Noel Alejandro
VANGARDIST paper Magazine – MAY 2019
VANGARDIST: What’s the reason we don’t get to see the typical “gay porn star men” with muscles and six-pack in your movies?
NOEL ALEJANDRO: Mainly because that’s already done. Also, let’s throw a look at my movies: They are not sex-centered, so I don’t prioritize hypersexualized bodies. I center my work on the mysteries and beauty of the human condition, the secrets of our connection with each other and with ourselves, our darkest sides. All those things that truly captives me that are worth to study and to talk about. What is the point of only showing two people having sex? That’s also done.
We also need to be aware that we need to be realistic when it comes to comparing ourselves with most of adult mainstream movies, those people use to focus a lot on their bodies and many times they have privileged genetics.
Because of that your porn films are very realistic and intimate. Are the actors in your movies professionals, amateurs or friends of yours?
I mostly work with dancers, models and other artists far from the industry. It also contributes to my movies to look and feel different. The mainstream porn industry prioritizes the body attractiveness and body sexual attributes rather the development of other skills, like the intellect itself, even body expression technics. Most of times they become slaves of their physic attractive and during this process, they all somehow manage to become very similar to each other. That’s how I see it. But yes, I somehow find more interesting to work with people with artistic needs rather than the money.
Do you have a special message that you want to transfer with your movies or what do you want to trigger at your viewers (apart from the pleasure satisfaction)?
Somehow pleasure satisfaction is basically the last purpose of my films. I try my best in order to not to sexualize my characters. You won’t see any hot typical cliche situation in my movies. Explicit or lazy seduction is something you won’t find neither. I feel especially ashamed when the sex situation in a “post-porn” movie comes with any kind of reason. I find it lazy.
Regarding the common topics of my films, I talk about those things that represent a mystery to me in life, life beyond death, multidimensional worlds, and generally I talk about characters that feel lost in a world they cannot understand or feel as real. Sex in these stories becomes a self-empowering force that often works as an oxygen balloon to the anguished. I feel powerfully attracted to the poetry of our limited skills to get along with the others and with ourselves.
Sex in these stories becomes a self-empowering force that often works as an oxygen balloon to the anguished. I feel powerfully attracted to the poetry of our limited skills to get along with the others and with ourselves.
Current gay porn often shows anything but reality and naturalness. Do you see this fact as a problem that should be fixed?
I’m not here to tell others how do they have to make their films. But if you do a rational analysis of the current industry you might see that it has fallen into some sort of unrealistic cliches and lazy cinematography (or total lack of it). There are not many alternative visions, still today. Where are the nouvelle porn directors?
What needs to change in the porn industry, so that not only the flawless and muscular bodies are shown all the time?
There are different reasons that keep the standards in this way. First, most porn actors are not required to develop their intellect or their culture so the ones that will focus on their porn careers will put in the center of their lives their bodies. Second, somehow most of the people will prefer hot and athletic bodies as an instinctive and primitive needing. A third and most important reason, sex industry forms part of the wheel of the capitalism as it is, and if we consider that capitalism is kind of lazy and prioritizes good money results on the shorter way, the industry ended up leaving behind other kinds of growths, like the artistic approach. I find that the industrialization of porn made these standards. Wha t is needed then, more visions behind the camera, offering alternatives. A willing to change it.
Are there any inhibitions of actors on set? If so, how do you handle it while shooting the scenes?
I always try to create a warm atmosphere, I keep the number of members in the crow as low as possible during the sex shooting, only the mandatory ones can stay in the room. Sex is not guided in my movies, we just set up a limited space where the actors can move on and focus. Once we are filming we just follow their movements. If any of them have any problem or need more time to focus we of course just try to give them as much time and space as they need. We need patience and never, NEVER press on them. Industrial porn actors might have more experience in front of the camera but mine often are amateurs.
How has your own sexuality changed since you became a porn film director?
It actually hasn’t changed that much, or I’m not that conscious. Maybe I see sex a bit more natural as other people, my screens contains nudity often at work environments, of course, it depends on the context where I am. Maybe what changed is that I became more sensitive when it comes tolerating people comments around the adult cinema. Of course, people will easily fall into the easy jokes when the porn topic comes up, and many times they try to make fun. It is hard difficult for some people to take seriously this topic. I think in general we need to do some work in order to deal better with our own sexuality.
“It is hard difficult for some people to take seriously sex and pornography. In general, we need to do some work in order to deal better with our own sexuality.”
As a pornography director you offer sex to viewers, who do not necessarily have to be emotionally involved. Is sex without emotions even possible for you?
Sex without emotions it could be easily called bad sex. Is easy to target those movies quickly. My films are thought and film on a way most people can see the strong connection of the performers.
Where does intimacy end and where does pornography start?
I’ve been wondering and thinking over this around hours. Is there a space for not obscene pornography? it took me a while to understand that this question was wrongly raised. Pornography is intimate, and then, what is intimate and what belongs to the public ambiance?. Is it a porn movie obscene? What makes something obscene is the context where is shown and also depends on who is analyzing it. It is clearly subjective as we all have our own limits. Let’s imagine I’m having a cup of coffee with my mother and suddenly some pornographic images come on the TV, of course not only would feel weird to me but also (rather I can pretend is something natural or not) it would feel kind of over the top, it would feel obscene maybe, this is because I don’t allow myself to access to a specific range of emotions because of the context (and the company). For example, if I’m together with my friends for sure I will dare to talk about many different kinds of topics I would not dare to talk with my mother, but still there are many emotions I don’t want to access to because of this context, so still a porn movie could be too much or not, it depends on who (to me it could feel quite natural, but still not the most appropriate context to watch a sex movie), but when I am with a lover, the kind of emotions I allow myself to access does includes sexual excitation… In this context, I rarely could define some sex images as “obscene”.
The context and your own limits will mark what can be declared as intimate, too intimate or directly pornographic. This makes me think in how interesting are porn film festivals. Somehow when you watch porn movies (“new-advanced” porn or not) in different contexts, together with other people may cause a sort of intellectualization of the genre.
To me feels weird, I said it a hundred times, watching this kind of movies next to friends or foreign but, Is this something I should work in? That’s my business. Deciding if you want to keep this kind of emotions for a specific context belongs only to you. Also separating these sexual excitation emotions when watching a sex film and together with your friends in a screening cinema room, allows you to watch the film with a different critical eye.
We must set our own limits by ourselves.
What is good pornography to you?
Good pornography to me does not need to be beautifully shot or needs to be narrative, or with good performances. I ask the subjects of a sex movie to be totally into what they are doing, I don’t want to see faked pleasure while they’re having sex. When the actors are totally dedicated to the experience the audience will feel powerfully attracted. Also, body diversity or more related to mine are welcome, so I can relate easier and hopefully I won’t judge myself hardly (why is not my body as much perfect as theirs!), so the contemplative experience won’t turn into a self-reflexive unlucky experience ( I suggest being realistic and work on our self-esteem a lot to survive to mainstream adult industry male bodies!).
How thin is the line between art and pornography?
Who says pornography cannot be artistic itself. Pornography has been for many years not a usual context for the artists to express themselves. In my opinion, an art piece is essentially a message, and a big part of the artistic value and interpretation is given by the receptor. So there’s no reason why pornographic films cannot be artistic. If the director/tress is giving a direction, you can feel a vision behind the camera, a volunteer of saying something else through the images.
How has pornography and the use of it in especially social media changed over the last few years?
They set the guideline of what is admissible on a public context and what is not. We all have different limits but we are talking about a specific context where we all have to feel that we fit in. A part of the society is making huge impulse in order to push these boundaries, but right the other pushes on the opposite direction. Who is right? Why we can’t tolerate sexual behaviors in public? Where is the limit? Is it going to keep moving forward or backward? Who depends this on? Is the censorship on the internet a middle point of all the world obscene standards? First we need to put ourselves in other people shoes, then we can decide what is still our position or determinate what is the best movement to do. Of course, sexual diversity has to still be digested by many people, but denying this diversity is easier for most people than face it and understand it.
Sexual behaviors in art is marginalized and pushed to very specific channels. VISA and MASTERCARD keep raising the fees and commissions they keep of any business related to sex. The sex industry is totally unprotected and we suffer abusement from these entities.
“Good pornography to me doesn’t need to be beautifully shot or needs to be narrative. I ask the subjects of a sex movie to be totally into what they are doing.”
How did your career begin? Was it a DIY-thing in your bedroom with an amateur camera or the classic way visiting a film school?
It was actually a very DIY-thing, just boosted by a passion for narrative and good photography. I haven’t studied cinema in a proper film school, I managed to learn some basics but it was enough to start tho. Cinema editing was my vocation, it would allow me to narrate from the very beginning in my room without having to get too involved with other people. I also used to write stories and tales. As I was not very social I enjoyed video editing cause it did not require a lot of human contact. I truly enjoyed generating a rhythm, mixing images of existing movies, dialogues, music at my dictation, re-editing video trailers. It was truly revealing. Later on, when I started to work for Erika Lust as her video editor I felt like making my own films and then I made the first sex film, Eloi & Biel.
You were part of the Porn Film Festival in Vienna in April. How was/is it for you to show your porn movies to a big audience at the same time?
I’ve been part of the jury at the feature film contest. It has been a nice chance to debate and to give a technic dissertation of what is a good porn movie today. I really love being called from festivals and to have the chance to screen my films. Is fun to see how much people connect with them, I never had so much convening power before. But it is also an interesting context to analyze them. When you watch a sex movie at home you can stop, keep for later, rewind the scenes on your convenience. Also when you are alone you will allow yourself to feel sexual excitation. In a film festival context, whether you are sitting next to foreigners or (not less than) friends, the way you are going to receive changes, you will watch the films under a different critic eye. You might easily get bored if the sex scene is too long. Sex movies, usually, have a particular length and rhythm, this might get in conflict when is received in a more critical context. This is because the context always changes the perception of the subject. We intellectualize pornography when we move it out of the private context.
Can you imagine to stand in front of the camera working as a porn actor?
No, I have absolutely not interest in it.
Published on VANGARDIST paper Magazine on May 2019
One of my favorite things about having an independent, self-sustaining project is that it gives me freedom to adapt and evolve as I go. Last year, having reached the mark of 13 short films, I went through a breakthrough in two different ways: first, I lived the end of a relationship with a man I thought would be in my life for longer. Like everyone who went through a heartbreak, my whole self went under a magnifying glass: every little detail about me, my life and my work was under query. Of course, this had an effect on my professional life, and my productivity was brought to minimum levels. Oh, the perks of sorrow.
And like everybody else, after the worst days passed, I started to heal. Time did a wonderful job sieving away all the noise, and I was left with a stronger sense of self. I got inspired again, and had a new perspective on how I would like to face my new chapter. And as was natural, I invested a huge part of that energy in thinking about what I would like to create next.
This transformation allowed me to see my work as a two-channel prism: I love writing and shooting stories, and I love to see how my films become a part of those who watch it. And I want to continue doing that for a very long time. At the same time, I also care deeply about experimenting, trying the new, pushing myself over my own limits. This is something I knew was missing in my routine, and that if I wanted it, I’d have to fight for it.
Bedtime Stories has everything that I believe erotica should be: a thought-provoking beginning to give the characters a reason to exist together, and my insistent care for the aesthetics and the beauty in the intimate moments.
Bedtime Stories is born to make this new chapter possible. In this series, releases will be more frequent (once a month, or almost), and slightly more clear-cut. They conserve everything that I believe erotica should be: a thought-provoking beginning to give the characters a reason to exist together, and my insistent care for the aesthetics and the beauty in the intimate moments. They will be produced flash-style, focusing on the essential, and still visually appealing.
With this new frame, I’ll be able to channel some of my creative energy to new, different films. I’ll have time to work on more elaborated scripts and give it a shot, allowing myself to experiment. I feel inspired and hungry to see what new things we can create to express emotion, ideas, feeling and erotica.
After a year of ups, downs and healing, this is a new wild ride for me. I hope you enjoy it. And if you are going through a hard time right now, maybe try to make something out of the pain. It’s worth it, you’ll see.
Noel Alejandro
Berlin,
February 14th, 2020
Whether someone agrees or disagrees with the artistic choices made by an artist, they should still be able to make them”. With this line, Jesse Charif make the statement that’ll put the ground for my interview with him (below).
His first time acting on one of my films (SWEAT, released on May 25th) involves physical confrontation, fear, and a mind game leading to the question: what are the visual boundaries between violence and sex?
Jesse, who was born in Beirut and currently lives in Amsterdam, entered the indie erotica world with no one but Bruce LaBruce, and it’s considered a rising star in artistic sexuality. Below you’ll read his words on porn, artistic acceptance, role plays, and how can anger and violence get in terms with excitement.
Who is Jesse Charif?
Jesse Charif is a curious and imaginative boy originally from Beirut, Lebanon.
What’s your history with adult arts?
I’ve always been a big porn nerd, and like a lot of other guys I always imagined what it would be like to actually be on the set of a porn film. I find it so fascinating. I grew up scouring the internet for information about porn actors, trying to prove that they are real people with real experiences. I had never actively tried to pursue anything until 2016 when I saw Bruce LaBruce was casting actors for his film, Refugee’s Welcome, and thought “why not?”. At that time I had never even been in front of a camera before because I was too shy even to have my picture taken. In parallel, I was also focusing my research during my masters degree on the relationships between visuality and sexuality, so everything seemed to be coming full-circle.
How was the experience of working with Noel?
It was everything I thought it was going to be: easy, professional, and rewarding. I loved the experience, the people I met there, and the atmosphere that Noel works in. I’ve been a big fan of Noel’s for a long time, so to see him at work was a lot of fun.
SWEAT is a difficult film to watch. The discomfort about the battle is undeniable from a viewer point of view. What was your first thoughts when you read the script?
Well, the fact that it’s uncomfortable is the reason why I liked the script. I’m always attracted to work that walks that thin line between acceptable and unacceptable. Whether someone agrees or disagrees with the artistic choices made by an artist, they should still be able to make them; I think the discussion that comes from those choices is what matters. The fact that we can have a conversation or a debate about it. So yes, it was interesting for me to see such an explicit juxtaposition between violence and lust in the script.
Whether someone agrees or disagrees with the artistic choices made by an artist, they should still be able to make them
How was it for you to perform in that scene?
It was an easy performance for me. I like shooting heavy or intense scenes because then you have no choice but to be very focused on what you’re doing. It can be a great release as well. That’s something I always admired about acting even before I went into it myself. Also, Parker my co-star was great to work with, he took good care of me.
What is your opinion about the way erotic films depicts violence? What do you think are the differences and similarities with violence in mainstream cinema?
Well, if we’re talking about mainstream erotic films or porn, they display violence in a way that’s still polished, not really ‘dangerous’. Which I understand, it’s like the acceptable dose of violence (or the idea of violence) that can be shown in a way that is still sexy and still presentable. Mainstream cinema also does the same, I think—it’s like danger gets us horny but only when it’s still pretty ‘safe’. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
One of the arguments on depicting violence is that people are used to extreme situations on screen it in a way that it just won’t affect them anymore. Do you agree? What would you say is the limit for cinema & the arts to portray physical violence?
I don’t know if I agree or disagree. I’m sure that people get desensitized to violence through being exposed to imagery of it, but what else does it do? Does it produce new desire, does it awaken old ones? There’s so much possibility. I don’t know if there is a limit for how much the arts can portray violence—I think it’s up to each artist and the way they think their duty is to be explicit in their work.
At a certain time, Jesse (Mullen) seem to transit between fear and lust. How do you see the connection between force, and sex?
Sex is a drive and a force in its own right, so I strongly believe that other drives within our psyches are easily entangled with it. Sex can be related to drives that move towards happiness, abundance, life, and light, but also those that go towards anger, fear, violence, and even death. In my personal life I use sex as a playground to “role play” but not in the traditional sense — I use it to explore myself in different scenarios, different characters, different motivations, with different relationships towards others and myself.
Is there something you like especially within Noel’s filmography?
I think the first film I ever saw by Noel was “Doing Elliot” which I loved a lot — I remember thinking “that’s one of the hottest porns I’ve watched”. Noel’s focus on translating the intimacy between two people without stressing so hard on shots of holes and dicks makes his porn so much more exciting (and arousing).
Besides performing, in what other ways do you enjoy exploring your sexuality?
OK now I’m blushing. I’ll stop here!
This was the first time we worked together and I was overall impressed by Bishop’s force: first, for taking the challenge of performing a very intense role. Second, for how he illuminates the set and makes everything more beautiful.
Bishop was Born in London but lives in Berlin, like I do now – another great reason for us to make more films together. In this interview, Bishop explains how he fell into his career, what his strongest interests are and how he thinks sex connects to love, absurdity, and pain.
Who is Bishop Black?
Bishop Black is a searcher of inspiration and general curiosities.
What’s your history with adult arts?
The adult arts! I like that turn of phrase. I have been involved within mainstream and alternative/feminist porn on and off for about 8 or 9 years. More involved in the last 3-5 years.
You co starr The End with Pierre Emö. How was the experience of working with Noel?
It was challenging but also good to work with Noel. There is a very precise way of how he shoots, which can definitely can be seen in his work. I feel he really tries to give each frame it’s worth. A true storyteller.
The trailer of The End immerses the viewer on a real thriller feeling. The whole film mixes eroticism with unexpected concepts such as mourning and endings. Do you fear about your own ending? How often do you think about it?
I think we sometimes fear so much of our own endings that we sometimes don’t have the time to live our present. I think the fear of death is very much ingrained into our society, in various different manifestations and either drive us to be what we feel is our best selves, or religiously control us.
I can obsess over my passing a lot. Like how I will pass on, how it would be physically, as well as losing the identity of me and where that all goes.
Throughout the history of art, humans have been constantly using death as a subject for their work, especially in the arts. How do you see the connection between death and inspiration? Do you think that representing dark feelings creatively can be a way of overcoming our pain or insecurities?
I believe that there is catharsis when we allow ourselves to go into underworlds in a conscious manner. The well of inspiration that can come from dealing with our trauma can be a beautiful source of creation, healing and illumination. It is good to mull over things, to give an emotion what its due and not to rush. And creative expressions gives us the possibility to eliminate what no longer serves us.
Javier, the protagonist of the film, seems to be a very lonely person with not many bounds with the external world or even other people. Have you ever felt like this? What do you consider necessary in order to really connect with someone?
I can relate to Javier’s feelings. Some days can be better than others, and it can be hard to talk about it. To be honest, I’m not really sure what I consider necessary for connection. But I do know that the moment one can feel vulnerable with someone they can trust, that is a good start.
What do you think about mixing pornography with plot genres, like horror or drama?
I think it can work to deepen the overall feel of the film. But it also needs to have a good balance where they compliment each other.
Is there something you like especially within Noel’s filmography?
I like that there is this tenderness involved in his work. It’s hot but it’s connective. I feel the stories presented, exploring things more deepfully.
You have an interesting background in alternative porn, having worked with Jiz Lee, Vex Ashley, Erika Lust… What is important for you to accept performing on a film?
Sometimes I work on a film just because of the company who is making it and their reputation. Other times I need a good concept if there is a concept presented. If a film is just sex, that’s fine and I’ve done those too. But I’m interested in filming style and vision and I’ve been lucky to have had the possibility to work on such films.
Besides performing, in what other ways do you enjoy exploring your sexuality? Is there anything you would recommend?
I feel that self love and self caring has been a good basis for my exploration. I also used to do Shibari bondage with a partner of mine. I really love what it makes me feel to be tied up and restricted, at the whim of your partner. And also sex with my lover.
Watch “The End” here.
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PHOTO BY Andrea Galad
After turning 18, I began to crave authenticity and a sense of purpose. I started raising a lot of questions about life, sex and love, especially after going through an intense process of studying and understanding human sexuality. It was a tough couple of years, with lots of overthinking stuff. An exciting version of me would be constantly challenging my more traditional parts, and I felt like I had a lot to say about all that – just didn’t know how.
All my live I loved cinema. I loved how life looked on screen, and how a movie was an open window to an infinitude of feelings and emotions. At the time, cinema was my way of living things I never thought I would in real life. But filmmaking would often feel like an untouchable dream; something out of my league. I knew if I wanted to succeed I would have to go against the world in many ways – still, that was what I wanted.
My early days, filming Eloi & Biel: Little resources, lots of doubts, an unstoppable idea. Watch Eloi & Biel
Throughout my years in the university, I would
apply what I was learning about scripts, characters, and filmmaking into everything I liked: music, video clips, arts, literature, and of course, cinema projects. At that time my relationship with porn was pretty normal and I had never thought of it in a complex way. I just remember seeing sex and thinking “I wish I could see the sex as part of the story in regular films, as well. That would be nice”.
I was still a student when I got hired by feminist porn director Erika Lust. I was going to edit her indie porn short films. On my very first day, she took me out to lunch – it’s her tradition to go for lunch with new coworkers. We talked about movie directors, aesthetic references and mainstream porn, and about how money wasn’t enough. For us, making pornography was a way of subverting a system that needed a change. It was artistic, but also political. Those few hours of talk made me realize that, for me, shooting porn films became less of a job, and more of a social tool for expression. Finally, I was in control of my purpose.
A few years went by and I decided to start making my very own gay erotic films. At every new title I think of a different question to explore: sadness, loneliness, the nature of human relationships. Basically anything that would drive any good scripts, only with some explicit sex added. Because I believe there are so many relevant things surrounding sex, that they make for some great pieces of cinema. And also, because: why not?
At the screening of Call Me a Ghost, this year in Paris. Watch Call Me a Ghost
So here is why I make porn:
Porn makes possible to work freely on my own projects
Learning to make a good script, producing quality storytelling for short films, actually shooting a cinema movie… all that takes practice, money, and a lot of time. Making porn gave me means to finance my personal projects from moment one, before I even thought of making a name for myself. Thanks to porn and to a little bit of bravery that I managed to put together, I got the freedom I needed to start my career in my very own way.
I saw a way of making things different
It always bothered me the way cinema would ignore sexual moments. It would depict it as an empty void, something left unsaid, and sometimes even used to describe the personality of the character in a weak or unfavorable way. That was not how I saw sex. I used to imagine scenes on which sex would play a different role in the story, without dark stigmas, with more time, intensity, and beauty. I wanted to take sex scenes beyond. Cinema is about life, and sex is a big part of it, so all I want is to bring them together in an artistic, conceptual way.
Finding beauty in a pornographic film
When thinking about porn, most people think of something dirty or to make fun of. Pornography is often the taboo that people tend to associate with the wrong, the forbidden, the undignified. But even if that’s the case for a type of pornography, it doesn’t define eroticism and for sure doesn’t limit the horizons of pornography. Making pleasant things with sex, and finding human beauty on places people would not see it feels deeply satisfying for me. It’s my favorite form of intellectual pleasure.
To help demystifying sex
Why are we so conservative about sex? This is something I can’t understand (I even spoke about this on my defense of sex workers rights). Most people seem to think that sex is either something you do with the one you love, or something secret to be done under furtive circumstances. Don’t tell anyone, don’t show anyone. It might not be what you think, but isn’t that how you live your sex life? How much of that come from religion? How much of that come from concepts we no longer agree with? Why are such archaic laws still overruling our orgasms?
This questions come alive often, specially when I receive letters and messages from people who watch my films. They are normally relieved for having their inner desires set free, instead of labeled. There is still a long way for us to go when it comes to living human sexuality.
My natural impetus to diverge
Taking life as it is and letting go of the things we don’t like can sound cute, but to me the real fun is in confronting what sparks our minds. Porn is one of those things; it’s fascinating how it raises questions at the same time as it breaks rules. And I hope to continue doing it this way for as long as it makes sense – to me, and to others who think like me.
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Recently in the Spanish-speaking world the eyes of my colleagues have been focused in a harsh criticism wave against prostitutes and sex workers, started by a video condemning prostitution which just reached half a million views.
In the video, two heterosexual white girls who supposedly advocate in defense of women list a number of reasons why men and women who pay for sex should be publicly shamed. Because they pay less than a T-shirt to have sex with a woman, because sex workers are nothing but slaves, because it’s taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability, or – my favorite – because the prostitute is there for money (not love). The list goes on, as superficial and polemic as a viral can be. Tons of arguments, all wrongly placed.
There are only a certain number or fights we can watch without taking part, and this fight is mine. Not because it gets to my nerves, but because it’s a matter of survival. The condemnation of prostitution has never had any positive effect to the prostitute, never – it’s the exact opposite. They stop being people and start being victims, seen as a product and nothing else. They get blamed and stigmatized and thrown under an even bigger threat, danger or violence. And what happens next is the horror for any human being who’s under prejudice: they lose their right to speak, and some privileged smarties feel entitled to speak for them.
I wonder how many so-called feminist movements accusing prostitution have actually asked a sex workers what they need. Or how many flag-raisers even knows a prostitute in the real life. Where are they while hundreds of sex workers will take the streets asking to have their rights looked at? Certainly at home, throwing disaffection in exchange for “likes” and telling prostitutes what to do.
Because if they did, they would find out people like Natalia Ferrari, Juno Mac or Florencia Natalia, prostitutes by choice and activists of sex workers rights who are self aware of their choices and incredibly eloquent when speaking for their rights. They do not need another person holding them back or putting them to shame. Nor does many other people who’ve chosen to use sexuality as a work tool.
A decent debate would start by giving the mic to sex workers around the world. What do they think? What do they go through? What would effectively make them safer, and their lives better?
The Sanctified Sex & other modern commandments
And once we get that conversation going, maybe we should also ask ourselves why we continue to see sex as this sacred entity that should only be performed for love (or, making a parallel to the porn world, for “art”. Regular pornography can be good pornography as long as it’s ethical and guarantees work rights). What is the big deal of mixing sex and money, if you really think about it? Sex finally starts to be accepted as a source of pleasure (don’t forget two days ago in the history, when mommy and daddy would only have sex to procreate and when marrying a no-virgin was the doom of the honored family). Getting rid of society’s puritan understanding of sex seems the next logical step: one person wants to sell, another person wants to pay. (Plus, it’s a win-win from all capitalist eyes, and last time I checked that’s still the mud that’s really all over our faces.)
Not for a single moment I want to avoid the problems that come with prostitution. Yes, there are people being exploited, there are violent clients seriously hurting or raping women, and sexual slavery is a big issue. But none of that will be solved by this or any other campaign that stigmatizes sex work and those who do it by choice. What sex workers want is laws that will protect them, conversations that will include them, and a ethical modus-operandi of all sex-related businesses.
Sex work is work. Learn. Listen. Respect.
The End, my new film, has Pierre Emö and Bishop Black turning a strange confront into a monumental and arousing spectacle over the screen.
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Once again wanting to try something new, I turned my cameras back to the erotica of the melancholy. This film is blues; is a symphony of desire, absence and flesh. It’s about an obsessed artist who overdoses on additions and feelings, until his lattermost move takes him to a world between two worlds. An unsettling, still beautiful purgatory. Disobedience, bravery, sex and love. In the line of my highest ranked film Call Me a Ghost (Pierre Emö, Valentin Braun), soon comes the film that’s my most audacious production up to date.
Please note: the movie is in its final edits and will be released soon. You’ll get an email when the date comes.
It took me so long to finally speak about this that I’ll cut the rambling and go straight to the point: From now on, I’ll think twice before participating or giving my films to film festivals that don’t pay directors and filmmakers. And the same goes for screenings and other conferences in general.
Maybe you don’t know this, but the majority of the film festivals and screenings out there don’t pay the people actually making the content they offer on their program. They don’t pay for your talk, or your lecture, or the movie that is the headline of the program – and that will be screened to 500 people at 10pm on a Saturday – and that, in a wonderful combination of luck and opportunity, was made by YOU.
They would pay for the venue, the catering, the promotion and everything else, but hardly offer anything to the film directors. And when they do, it’s often “visibility” or “exposure”.
Of course exposure is important – it’s probably one of the most important things for an independent artist or filmmaker. It’s also the one thing that will happen for sure on a screening festival, since it’s all about showing stuff. However, exposure won’t pay my bills, or my actors caches, or the Alexa’s rental fee. It’s also a bit contradictory since normally these film festivals brag about their quality curatorship: if they know me enough to respect me and invite me to be featured, then this means that I already have some relevant exposure. The only reason why my name is there is because I do my work well enough to be selected in the first place. In order words, I am there because I deserved to be there.
At the same time, festivals charge for tickets. If people want to go, they actually need to pay for it. But are they paying to sit in that chair or simply enter that event? Nope. They pay because they want to hear what the speakers are saying, or watch the films that we made. They pay for the content – and content makers are the only ones leaving the room with 0 money.
Them and the people volunteering in the backstage, who also don’t get paid for their work and make sure to tell everyone else as a paradoxical passive justification. “I’m sorry we can’t pay you. We don’t get paid as well”. I’m sorry to say, but every time someone is putting working for free, someone else is making doubling their profit.
I hope that by now you’re not seeing me as a skinflint. My intentions aren’t to make money out of festivals – I know how cultural organizations struggle to remain on their feet and how unfair that world can be, too. But that’s not what this is about. The last pay I got from a Festival was as low as 50 euros, and it included the screening of the director’s cut of Call Me a Ghost. And I was very happy about it. Is that gonna bring me closer to a wealthy retirement? No. But it’s something. It’s a symbolic – and still, monetary – gratification for using my work on their project.
I don’t believe there is such thing as a “no payment policy”. There’s just a weird modus operandi in this world, on which organizers would try to get people saying yes for as little as possible, so that they can profit on their talent.
It also doesn’t always have to be money. Festivals are wonderful because you get face to face with your audience and see their reactions to your films in real time. Plus, they are the perfect excuse for taking a trip to a city you never thought of going (I like big trips and I cannot lie). If organizers don’t have the budget but are willing to help me get there, sleep there, or eat there, I am up for it, too!
Again, is not about pettiness, it’s about being fair and valuing my own work. I know, this can backfire at me and I can grow up to find that all other directors are accepting lame offers just for the fate of being there, and I’m suddenly out of the equation.
I can only hope not, and continue raising a flag for all independent artists and filmmakers who struggle to make a living outside the mainstream industry to take a look at their work and put a price for their presence. Because even if they don’t, the organizers will – only that in that case we don’t see not even a penny.
Main picture, the audience at Cinema nova, during a screening of a film at Pink Screens film festival
Noel and the crew during a shooting
The text below contains 0 (ZERO) cliches, verified.
It comes as a surprise but this is the most recurrent subject in all recent beer-based talks I’ve had with my friends. I don’t know why this always come up (of course I do, but I’m writing this sober so let’s just skip it), but it seems to be the number one reason of anxiety-related issues in the love life nowadays. Can a couple survive together if they don’t fuck?
Cosmopolitan talked about it, The Guardian talked about it, Oprah talked about it – and it’s always the same story. Married couples get old, the male body changes, sex start to be intimidating and there are lots of other shit to worry about, life keeps getting in the way until everyone deliberately take sex off their list of prios. It is an explanation. But me and my friends are not in our 40th year of marriage, we don’t have kids and grandchildren, and our bodies still look like they were sculpted by Michelangelo (self esteem, I have one). And still, we wonder. So what now, Oprah?
After so many chats with friends I learned that sex isn’t the most necessary thing in their relationships. Even though they’d say their relationship started with fucking like rabbits for months, now it just doesn’t happen. Still, they don’t even consider breaking up – companionship is still super satisfactory, they laugh together, they do everything together. It’s not that they don’t have sex because they can’t, or because they don’t feel attracted to their partners anymore. They just aren’t in the mood, and they haven’t been in weeks.
All that sounds really ok to me. Two happy people, in love, enjoying hanging out with each other, having no sex and feeling cool about it. No one is under pressure, everybody wins. It’s their life and they do whatever their dicks feel like doing.
But devil wouldn’t stop me from going deeper. What if I do want to have sex, I just don’t feel turned on by my boyfriend?
How can we be in love with our partners without being turned on by them? What if we’re madly in love with each other, but we’re only turned on by other people? Maybe you love your boyfriend more than anything, he’s the only possible pal for your food trip to Vietnam, the only possible father of your unborn kids and the one person in the world you’d want to chat till morning light until you’re both 86 years-old and your skins look like raisins.
But you don’t wanna fuck him.
You want to fuck somebody else.
Again I’ll play the devil’s advocate here. If this had stopped after “you don’t wanna fuck him”, I could even think things were alright. You don’t want to, he doesn’t want to, all good. But then you do want to fuck someone else. What does it mean?
I don’t want to be speaking for the whole species, but that is a yellow alert. At least it means you guys should talk. Express yourselves and see what you think of the whole no-sex situation. If your partner feels the same way, maybe you’re halfway there for a wonderful open relationship that will continue strong because you love each other so much.
If he doesn’t, talk again. Try again. Ask yourself where the burning flames went, and if you can bring them back. Watch some good porn. Think if it is just a phase, or how would it be to let go of sex for a while – maybe a long while. Be honest with yourself. A good fuck is one of the best ways to get really close to your partner and to let your body say things your mouth couldn’t. And if you’re like me, sex goes beyond the benefits to the relationship – it has to do with my own health, my way of seeing the world, my humanity.
There are many people out there listing reasons why they wouldn’t worry too much about letting go of sex in a relationship, and stating that love will conquer all. I’m not one of those. Love is great but also is to see the most important person in your life losing himself completely inside of you.
If sex is something I know I want for my life, but it just won’t happen with my partner – no matter how much I try – I would seriously ask myself if I’m not sleeping next to my best friend.
Do you know what most adults human beings do? Have sex. And do you know what else they do? Take nudes. Lots of nudes. Try getting someone’s phone and checking out their photo album – at some point they’ll come stop you, and it’s not because their battery is running low. It’s because that carrousel is filled with dicks.
And let’s be honest: gay guys love sending pictures of their goods to strangers.
When I see a nude in someone else’s phone, or online, in my head I’m thinking “nice angle”, or “yep, I’ve tried this position too”. Unless of course if what I see is so hot that I start wanting to cast the person for my next film.
Do you know why nudes are so great? First, because you explore your body. And this is even before sharing it with anyone. In order to take a nude, you gotta be naked – which is the best status of any body, ever. Then, you pay attention to it: how it moves, how it looks from someone else’s perspective. While doing this, it’s very likely that you’ll like what you see (if you have a body, I bet you can be hot). And the more you like what you are, baby, and the more you are in control your body, the more fucking awesome your fucks will be. That’s the rule.
You don’t even have to share it if you don’t want to – it’s enough that you took it. Take a long look at it. You might want to imagine some action in that picture, maybe someone else touching what you see, or maybe you go a little Natalie Portman in Black Swan and picture a blowob given by you to yourself. That’s some fucking juicy porn story right there, and you’re the star. Shut the shame mouth’s up and enjoy it.
Wanna do it right now? Here are a few tips (inspired by porn-making, yes):
Scout the apartment
Take a look around and choose the background of your picture. Move objects around if necessary. Plans are great and will make you (and your penis) look wild and fearless, and that’s always nice to see. Oh and please make sure there’s nothing horribly disgusting behind you.
Choose the lighting
Remember the lighting tricks you make when you’re having someone over? Repeat them for your selfie. No flash, unless you want to look like Voldemort.
Try a thousand positions
Some work better than others, find your perfect angle. Don’t forget it and use it in bed, as well.
Put some music
You deserve it, bitch.
And by the way, no slut shaming other, heh? If you do it, stop right now because slut shaming is just lame. Acting like someone having fun with their own bodies on camera is wrong is all sorts of hypocritical and stupid. What kind of judgement is that? Specially when everyone does it (yes, everyone).
A little healthy narcissism goes a long long way. And most important of all, Don’t we all deserve to feel sexy?
